This morning finds me looking back for a last time at the summer that was so hard for me. I was thinking, in bed early this morning, that I guess you could compare me to a butterfly. Have you ever just sat still and watched a butterfly flit from flower to flower? Sitting just long enough to taste some nectar and then just as you grab your camera...she flits on to another flower. That's how life has been for me this past summer. I was busy flitting around and doing all kinds of chores etc just like a butterfly. Some said, "Balisha, you are always so busy" and here at home I heard..."Why are you doing all this planting....when we can't take care of it anymore?" I try, as best I can, to figure it out. I find that it is a way to use my mind in a different way... other than remembering the past couple of months. It gives me something to research...a plant that doesn't require much care, a plant that will take a drought, a plant that will take full sun...and on and on. Then I have to either shop online or at a garden center. Then prepare a place for it. Then the actual planting.....and then I hand it over to Mother Nature...after watering a few times. This takes a lot of time. Time that I have right now. Time to quiet my mind when I think about Tim.
When someone loses a child everyone is there to help you through it. Kind close family and other relatives, neighbors, and a few friends.After about a month...all that stops and you are left alone with just your memories.So many people stop calling, they don't bring up the subject of your son, they avoid you, they think that you are doing well, so they get on with their busy lives. So saying that, you develop coping skills. Gardening and blogging have become a big part of my way to cope. We are home so much of the time and this summer quite a bit more...because of Joe's back. I've had so many hours on my hands and after you clean over and over again...you need something else....something more challenging. Actually this has been a Godsend for me, as it has made me get out of my chair and be more active. Consequently my back is much better due to the exercise.I hope to continue exercise during the coming winter.
I try to write a post almost everyday. This is my journal.One of the reasons I started keeping this blog is so that I could keep track of my days in the garden. I love reading other women's garden journals and thought that in my very old age...I would enjoy looking back by reading or listening to someone else read about what I did in the past. It has turned into much more that a garden journal...it is a life journal. I'm especially glad that I had this to come to after Tim died. I found so many readers who had compassion and left such beautiful comments. As I said before, if I couldn't sleep at night, I would get up and read a few of the wonderful comments. It soothed me back to sleep. Often times things were said that I needed to hear and that no one else said to me. My blog friends were there from the get go and never left me.
So, here I am during the first of, what appears to be, a beautiful fall. I am going to have to find something to take the place of flitting around the garden this year. I can only cook and clean so much. Maybe this will be the year that I will get out my paint brushes and do more painting .I might even take Joe's suggestion and gather all my poems together and make a book of my poetry.
It's time for this butterfly to settle down and come inside. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming. Joe is looking ahead to surgery, so we will be confined even more.Hopefully we can have a couple of family gatherings here at our house
So, until then, I will continue flitting around my garden and sitting in my green chair with leaves falling all around.I'll hate to hang up my gardening jacket and put away my trowel, but I know that come spring...I'll be out there in the garden...not flitting around, but taking my time to enjoy God's world.