This morning finds me looking back for a last time at the summer that was so hard for me. I was thinking, in bed early this morning, that I guess you could compare me to a butterfly. Have you ever just sat still and watched a butterfly flit from flower to flower? Sitting just long enough to taste some nectar and then just as you grab your camera...she flits on to another flower. That's how life has been for me this past summer. I was busy flitting around and doing all kinds of chores etc just like a butterfly. Some said, "Balisha, you are always so busy" and here at home I heard..."Why are you doing all this planting....when we can't take care of it anymore?" I try, as best I can, to figure it out. I find that it is a way to use my mind in a different way... other than remembering the past couple of months. It gives me something to research...a plant that doesn't require much care, a plant that will take a drought, a plant that will take full sun...and on and on. Then I have to either shop online or at a garden center. Then prepare a place for it. Then the actual planting.....and then I hand it over to Mother Nature...after watering a few times. This takes a lot of time. Time that I have right now. Time to quiet my mind when I think about Tim.
When someone loses a child everyone is there to help you through it. Kind close family and other relatives, neighbors, and a few friends.After about a month...all that stops and you are left alone with just your memories.So many people stop calling, they don't bring up the subject of your son, they avoid you, they think that you are doing well, so they get on with their busy lives. So saying that, you develop coping skills. Gardening and blogging have become a big part of my way to cope. We are home so much of the time and this summer quite a bit more...because of Joe's back. I've had so many hours on my hands and after you clean over and over again...you need something else....something more challenging. Actually this has been a Godsend for me, as it has made me get out of my chair and be more active. Consequently my back is much better due to the exercise.I hope to continue exercise during the coming winter.
I try to write a post almost everyday. This is my journal.One of the reasons I started keeping this blog is so that I could keep track of my days in the garden. I love reading other women's garden journals and thought that in my very old age...I would enjoy looking back by reading or listening to someone else read about what I did in the past. It has turned into much more that a garden journal...it is a life journal. I'm especially glad that I had this to come to after Tim died. I found so many readers who had compassion and left such beautiful comments. As I said before, if I couldn't sleep at night, I would get up and read a few of the wonderful comments. It soothed me back to sleep. Often times things were said that I needed to hear and that no one else said to me. My blog friends were there from the get go and never left me.
So, here I am during the first of, what appears to be, a beautiful fall. I am going to have to find something to take the place of flitting around the garden this year. I can only cook and clean so much. Maybe this will be the year that I will get out my paint brushes and do more painting .I might even take Joe's suggestion and gather all my poems together and make a book of my poetry.
It's time for this butterfly to settle down and come inside. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming. Joe is looking ahead to surgery, so we will be confined even more.Hopefully we can have a couple of family gatherings here at our house
So, until then, I will continue flitting around my garden and sitting in my green chair with leaves falling all around.I'll hate to hang up my gardening jacket and put away my trowel, but I know that come spring...I'll be out there in the garden...not flitting around, but taking my time to enjoy God's world.
Balisha
6 comments:
I think painting seems like a wonderful thing to do. Not everyone could do that. There is nothing like that feeling of creativity. Of course, that doesn't give one much exercise, but I'm sure you will figure out a balance. I had to stop spending so much time at the computer due to swelling of feet and legs plus back problems.
Balisha,
Since you and I are new blog friends I was not aware of the death of your son. I am so very, very sorry. When I was 20 we lost my sister(that was many years ago.) It was just Mom, Dad and I left and we worked very hard to comfort one-another. I remember Mom expressing herself just as you did. I think painting is an excellent way for you to express your creativity and challenge your mind. I am thinking of you-
Jemma
Painting does take over the mind. When you have a paintbrush in your hand...the whole world is just brushed aside and you forget everything else.
I didn't mean that my kids or Joe had stopped calling etc. They have been great. Just friends and acquaintences who I am so surprised at. It must be hard for some people to deal with death.
Gemma...It must have been so hard for you losing your sister at that age. I'm sure you were so loved by your parents. Death of a sibling has made my kids so much closer.
Barbee...I am so sorry to hear that you have had to slow down on the computer. I miss your blog so much. I will always remember that you were the first to comment on my blog...years ago. Take care.
Balisha
Oh yes--a month is about right, then they go back to their lives, which is right and proper, just as you are starting to come out of the fog a bit and could use someone to talk too. My blog literally saved my life! and gardening this year has been a godsend. Now, I am staining the porch that Fred always did--but I am taking a lot longer then he ever did. He was very sure of what he was doing. Me? Not so much.
JOE IS SO SMART!! Yes a book of your poetry :)
I know that you have a aching void due to Tim's loss and that you have worked to fill it somewhat or dull it as best you can with your writing and gardening. You are such a good writer, though, and I am always delighted when I click on here and see it is a poem day. Collating them all would be a nice thing to do.
And I think that painting would satisfy the other creative part of you ..I got this book about Tasha Tudor at the library showing her gathering her flowers and making wreaths and such and yet they were not just for decor but to use for her painting and illustrations down the line. So I can certainly imagine you bringing your summer time alive again on canvas during the winter.
I am sorry about Joe's back. My ex-husband who helps with babysitting the grands alot, is going for an MRI this afternoon ...and may require back surgery. He's had steroid injections ( epidural ) that have pushed this off but the doctor says he has two vertebrae with nothing in between them.
The friends I hear from most regularly, with one exception, are my blogging friends. Maybe it's easier because we can use the computer on our own time. Maybe it's safe to express feelings and easier to express condolences online because we can think about what we want to say, no one will see the tears or hear our voice crack. When we come face to face with loss it makes it real, which means it could happen to us. I try to remember to keep in touch long after the funeral because I can imagine how lonely it feels. I sent three sympathy cards yesterday ~ one to a friend whose husband died of a stroke Tues morning. She had planned a big surprise 60th birthday bash for him Saturday night [he's been fighting cancer] and that will now be a celebration of his life. My family and many others will go that night. It will be important to stay in touch in the months to come, too. Thank you for sharing so honestly, Balisha.
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