Right Off The Top Of My Head

This is going to be a post that is so honest. My real feelings of the past two months. As you know I had brain surgery two months ago. It was the most frightening time of my life. People can poo poo it and say that they would not be frightened, but I think they are fooling themselves and trying to put on a big front. I have a strong faith and tried like heck to hang on to that. People said, "I'll keep you in my prayers." I felt those prayers, but in the middle of the night, those 10 days, waiting for surgery...I really felt alone. After all, I'm only human...I guess that I will have to work on that.As the time came...I was ready. I had talked to two priests and got control of my thoughts and went into this with a positive attitude. Well, the surgery was successful and here I am 2 months later pouring my heart out. The day I came home the Dr. assistant took my bandage off. My whole head had been wrapped in a turban like bandage. I went into the bathroom and looked at myself. I remember saying, "HI Dad." I looked like him. I swallowed hard and didn't cry. She said that I should go home and put on a baseball cap. I went down the hall with a brave upper lip. It was the first time people were seeing me. After all a woman's hair is supposed to be her crowning glory. We took pictures, when we got home, so I could put them here on my blog. I wanted to start accepting this new look of mine. I ordered berets on the internet...one of each color. I bought a wig...we had several social events to go to. I started to deal with everyday life. You are told to not put any pressure on your incision until it heals. You know what I mean. I had lots of problems with that. How much is too much? Will the top of my head pop open, will it start to bleed inside, does it move with every push., check in the mirror to see had the incision opened? I was so worried. Needless to say, I had no need to worry. I worried until I had my next MRI. My MRI was OK. Now getting to how I felt about being bald. I have always had problems with putting on a false front. A wig was just not what I wanted to wear. I went to Joe's class reunion with my shaven head for all to see. It was a good thing for me. It made me deal with my true feelings. Everyone knew that I had surgery, why hide it? We had lunch with two of Joe's friends from school. They all sat there and talked about what they were doing. They are busy people...Joe included. He talked about his music CD and other accomplishments. One of the gals said to me, "What do you do?" I couldn't think for the life of me what I did that was out of the ordinary...I cook, keep a neat house, read, (Lynn says to say that I write poetry,) knit, blog, garden.....but other than those normal things...what do I really do? Joe piped up and said, "She's a painter...she's a really good artist." I haven't painted much since I have been in my 70's. That question has haunted me since I got home...What do you do? We went to a funeral lunch for my daughter-in-law's Mom. I wore the wig. Her daughter, Nicole, said, " I want to see your head." When we got out to the parking lot, going to the cars, I whipped off the wig and showed it to her. She said...cool! It looks cute. My oldest son came over and gave me a hug..."You don't have to wear the wig, when you come for Thanksgiving." So, that was the last time I wore my false hair. I go to Church, shopping at the store, walks in the neighborhood, and any social events. I had my first hair trim yesterday and have started feeling good about myself. I was still thinking about that question, "What do you do?" Last night, while sitting at my computer, I ran across a website that I had saved in my favorites. It was about knitting for charity. I clicked on and started to read the links that pertained to this. I found a site...so interesting about knitting chemo hats. The person who wrote this said, "I wondered why we only knit for cancer patients? There are others out there who have had brain surgery and would like to receive one of these soft hats to wear." The thought bounced around in my head for a while. I thought... why not? I could knit hats for people like me...ones who are having problems accepting how they look. Maybe someone would like to wear a hat until they get used to looking in the mirror. I had my (as Oprah says) aha moment. I would knit hats and when someone says, "What do you do?" I can proudly say, "I knit hats for people who have had brain surgery."

Balisha